Sighting

Women… A glance from their eyes, and your life becomes theirs.

I was in London on NYE, wandering around with a camera on my own. Social anxiety, among a myriad of other things, has been killing me for a long time. It took me a few hours to get my head in the right place to even go.

In my aimless travels, I came across three women, Americans. Students, one in criminal law, one a journalist with a Canon, and one an educator. They were kind, warm, funny, and they knew enough ASL to talk while we sat on the train. Well, two were, their friend sat across from us. I barely noticed her because I was lost in the beauty of the one who started the conversation by asking me what I shot with. And her smile…

I make a few basic assumptions about women when I meet them, they’re either, in a relationship, gay, single by choice, or simply just not interested in me.
So there’s no way I would strike up a conversation with someone that attractive, or someone that feminine. It was the first time in a long time that I’ve wanted to really speak to someone instead of using sign or a cellphone to type things. Mutism sucks, as does my ASL.

I’ve been hiding away from the world for so long, any confidence I ever had is dead. Trauma really destroys you in strange and stealthy ways.

When they left the train at Monument, I heard one of them say, “He was sweet.” I smiled as my initial thought was this observation was about me, and then I realized what I was thinking and the likelihood of them talking about someone else was high given the night in question. Plus the ones who are sweet are basically never considered sexual partners, which is depressing. C’est la vie. I digress.

After they were gone, and the realization of my recent proximity to beauty hit me, and how I felt being thrown back to the cold embrace of solitude, I heard Stanley Tucci, again. “It’s shameful. To be this age and still not know yourself.” [Conclave, 2024]

And how much more shameful it is to be this age, and still not know another.

As much as meeting this incredibly warm soul made me wonder about the possibility of something good happening to me, the more I see, the closer I am, the more I realize I’m not going to make it because I have no idea how to… Do whatever it is people do. I know what has to be done, and I know it has to be done alone. And that’s okay, really.

I’ve never loved. I’ve never been loved. I can’t even remember the last time a woman wrapped her arms around me.

“Let me feel the lack.” - Sean Penn [The Thin Red Line, 1998]

Perhaps if I’m fortunate, I’ll find her in another life when the cosmos reboots.

And no, I’m really not a famous photographer. I’m nothing I ever truly wanted to be.